God Alone...

Once I placed my trust in my Parents, but their marriage fell apart twice and they were both so wounded they were emotionally unavailable. I felt like a heavy weight tied around their necks. I despised the fact that I had needs, because I did not want to be a burden. I grew up fast and moved on...

I looked to Education to be the key to unlock a higher consciousness and a better life. I took loans, worked hard, made good grades and earned a degree. But learning is a tease. The more I studied, the more I wanted to know. Seeking knowledge, though worthwhile, is a never-ending journey. In school we were told that with a college education, the sky was the limit. They never told me how many times I would go to an interview only to be told I'm "over-qualified" or that I just needed a little more education/experience to qualify.

I pursued Friendships and enjoyed some really good times, but soon found that people change. Many of those friends are busy with their own pursuits and have moved on. Most relationships are only seasonal and fade with time and change of circumstance...

I placed my trust in Religion. I felt there was security there and for the most part there was... as long as I was a shiny, happy conformist. Whenever I exercised heartfelt convictions or hard times came upon my family, I soon found that despite talk of charity, the church is ill-equipped to handle independant thinkers or those in crisis. Jesus, the founder of Christianity surrounded Himself with the hurting and hopeless. Today, the sheltered within tightly-structured networks of churchianity cannot comprehend the pain in this world. So warmed by the fires of a self-congratulatory social club, they sing "Rescue the Perishing" but have not felt the cold or hunger others live with daily. The church is somewhat out of touch with reality. The blind cannot lead the blind. Far too many turn a deaf ear to the plight of the suffering because their faith is not yet strong enough to look misery in the face and still believe that God IS good. Instead of being embraced, the influence of those percieved to be "sinners" is feared, because the church has not yet claimed God's great victory over evil. Pre-occupied with swatting sin-flies and correcting theological errors, there is little time for humble service. And so the church is robbed of her power.

I found my entire identity wrapped up in Ministry- "doing things" for God & church made me feel significant. But ANY good thing with improper motive can become an idol. As I matured, I discovered how most of my actions were really to promote and bring glory to me, not unto God. I wanted to hear things like "Wow- isn't she devoted" and "What a blessing she is". I was still lookin' out for myself, but this time in the name of a good cause.

I placed my trust in my Spouse and looked to him for my sense of direction. Although he cares for me the best he can, he's only human. He is just as tired and disillusioned as I am and cannot be expected to hold me up. He cannot feed my spirit or heal the hurt in me. He cannot be what only God can be.

I looked to Myself. I wanted to be a nicely decorated package of achievement to present before the Lord. Covered with accolades from peers, surely their reccomendations and a track record of good service would fit me for Heavenly delights. But as I got older, I found myself growing weary. I'm slowing down a bit. I am now the one in need. My heart is bruised, my resolutions waver and I've come to see that I am nothing- the best of my effort amounts to very little.

So, I'm left with empty hands- nothing to hold onto, except faith in The Almighty. The threadbare rags I wore are stripped away- I am left with no other hope or comfort. Who will cover my nakedness? God alone is Holy and does not change. He IS Love and Mercy. His judgements are righteous. The Lord is a solid rock when all else is shifting sand. He is too wonderful to comprehend. I am silenced when I contemplate the things of God. How can a heart that is breaking feel such joy over simple things like sunrises and sleeping children? Sweet devastation.... how can one with so little have so much? This is a mystery.