Seem to hear about it more and more these days. Adultery, divorce, extortion, quackery, etc. happening in churches. The most recent I heard was about this twisted little power-play between a Head Pastor and his Associate Pastor. It ended very badly. No, one did not kill the other, but I suspect there was some heavy-duty character assasination involved. Ouch! After sharing the story, my friend expressed determination to stay with the church, despite the insanity he has witnessed. This was my response:
"I'm not surprised by much these days. Seen a great deal of this- both in my own life and in the lives of many I loved. We constantly hear of the nightmares my Father-in-law has to deal with as he pastors 2 churches in PA. Poor guy!
I stuck around trying to grin & bear the insanity-overlooking mistreatment and trying to make a difference only to receive more slaps on the face. Forgive? Yes- ALL of us make mistakes. Continue to play along? No thanks. The last series of insults was too much to bear, so we left the church and haven't regretted that decision in the slightest.
Christ was so wearied by the blindness, arrogance & mind-games in the church of His time, He seemed to prefer meeting with seekers and non-believers on mountaintops and seasides. It was churchy people who put Him on that cross. Why? Because He had a genuine connection with God, spoke honestly and did not cater to their whims.
Organized religion has it's good points, but by it's very nature is too structured and formal. It has a tendancy to tread with heavy boots upon individuality. Although there are advantages to having ranks & offices, the infrastructure always leads to petty politics and control issues- even among the most well-intentioned.
When religion becomes a well-oiled machine, it tends to foster pride and a sense of obligation- rather than humble service or sincere devotion. If this is not the case, why is the success of any outreach effort measured only by how much offering came in or how many baptisms were performed??
Church- in order to BE a church, must declare, "This is who we are, how we eat, what we believe and how we must behave". If you want to be one of us, you either get in the box and conform or you're a hypocrite.
In the last 2 yrs of my journey, I have visited/mingled with every major denomination that exists in this country and (with few exceptions) find them equally guilty of abuse & neglect. They finger-point and reject the wounded people who need love most.
There are certainly ways to connect with God that DO NOT involve being a bonafied member of any church. Moses, David, Elijah and John the Baptist did just fine in the wilderness. In fact, they had a more genuine spirituality- they were not distracted or contaminated by all the political strivings, propoganda and power-plays that go on.
I think people who are raised within any denomination and have never known anything else cannot see that it's possible to be spiritually-minded and a sincere Christ follower without having your name on a church roster.
Though I admire the dedicated spirit of those who remain behind to deal with all the nonsense, (there's a ton of it) I could no longer do so. For my own emotional, spiritual health, I left and my family with me. If that makes me "weak" or a "wimp", so be it. But remember, it took 2 decades of abuse before I finally left.
The ministry was more than happy to use up most of my husband's prime & his time, knowing full-well, he had a lonely wife & 4 kids at home who needed him. They were more than happy to pat us on the back for living on a shoe-string budget, sacrificing any financial progress. The road to burn-out and bankruptcy was paved with golden bricks.
When corrupt church leaders destroyed our lives, the denomination sat back tisk-tisking. Not a finger was lifted to come to our defense. (Don't rock the boat too much, or make corrupt people be accountable for poor behavior- might upset someone and not get re-elected to a high-ranking office.) Politics in the church aren't very different from those in the government. The little guy takes the fall, so the organization can continue to prosper unscathed.
Actually had one person tell me that we "should stop complaining and consider it a privilege to take a fall for the church". Yeah? You say that when you're bankrupt and there's only beans, crackers, Stewed tomatos & Ramens in YOUR pantry!! It will take my family a long time to heal and re-build our lives. (Fortunately, the wrong that was done did not financially devastate the other families in the ministry like it did us.)
If God rejects us because we left an unhealthy environment, so be it, but I think He completely understands."
And in the wise words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say 'bout that...." ;o)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Heavy on My Heart...
It was late afternoon, I found myself sitting across from a 20 yr old girl. She came to me- guess she is seeking a mentor. Needed someone to listen and I have an office she could come to. My heart went out to her as I listened to her story.
When Amy was only 6 yrs old her mother died. (I almost could've guessed the time of this traumatic life change, because at 20 yrs of age, she exhibits some mannerisms that remind me of a 6 year old- which indicates to me that at some level, her emotional development stopped when she lost her mother.) She was raised by an over-bearing father who controlled her every move and pretty-much kept her in isolation. She did not come right out and say it, but based on some of the things she did share, I suspect there was some sexual abuse issues.
At 16, lonely and desperate for some kind of connection with someone, anyone, she became sexually compulsive. At 17, she joined a church- which became her "safe place". For 3 yrs she attended, joining the church choir. Finding belief in a God who loved her lessened her loneliness a bit. At 19 yrs of age, she became pregnant with her boyfriend's child.
That's when her relationship with the church began to crumble. She was kicked out of the choir because she had sinned and was therefore a "bad example". Okay, HOLD the phone people! 1) There ain't a single person in that choir who doesn't sin. Just because her sin was about to become physically evident, did NOT justify their judgement against her. 2) I'd be willing to WAGER that half the ladies in that church choir slept with someone before they were ever married- perhaps they just didn't get caught or find themselves pregnant, but now they sit in self-righteous judgement over this poor girl?! That is SICK and TWISTED religion. 3) Who put the scale in their hands to decide which sins deserve banishment and which don't? You see lying, gossip and gluttony (over-eating) are also listed in the Bible as sins, but there they sit so smugly in their size XXXL choir robes casting judgement on a motherless child. 4) Churchy people put FAR too much stock in setting themselves up as "good examples". If you believe in Jesus Christ, then make Him and not yourselves the examples to follow. Sooner or later, all humans fall to temptation, but The Christ overcame the weakness of the flesh. Promote Him, not your own righteousness!
When Amy's boyfriend indicates he has NO desire to father a child, she goes through the whole debate over whether to carry or abort the baby. She decides to carry the child, even though she knows her parenting will be a solo act. Instead of rallying around this girl, supporting and encouraging her, she is constantly being taken aside by various church members and told that she is "not Motherhood material" and that she should put the baby up for adoption so he can have both a Mom AND a Dad. Now, she is already scared and insecure- this only makes her feel worse.
The baby is born and Amy is IN LOVE with her son. She decides to breastfeed him, since that is healthiest for him. Two women from the church tell her, "If you EVER need ANYTHING, we are here for you- just call". Baby is healthy and gains weight normally. When he is 4 wks old, he becomes somewhat fussy. After days & nights of being up with the child, Amy calls one of the two ladies she trusts. (Remember the ones who offered to "be there" for her?) She tearfully expresses her frustration at being alone and not being able to calm the baby down and says, "I can understand how some parents would end up shaking their babies". The lady on the other line, FREAKS out, tells Amy to hold the line and goes to call the police on her cell phone.
Thirty mins later, the Police and Child Protective Services show up and take the baby away.
Amy says she did NOT shake her baby, but in a vulnerable moment, thinking she could trust the church lady, she said she "could understand how a parent could come to that when they're tired & frustrated." She was being honest and confiding in a friend. If the lady on the other end of the line REALLY was a Christian and really cared, she should have said, "You know what, Sweetie, I only live 5 miles away, I'll be over in a minute to help." But it's more convenient to call the cops and let the state rip the baby from his mother's breast.
A baby deserves to be with it's birth mother. NO mother is perfect and makes no mistakes. Why all the self-righteousness? I was called on the carpet twice because people thought I should "do more with my daughter's hair"- primp them up for church with braids, ringlets & bows. This was surprising coming from a church that is supposed to discourage vanity. But okay, YOU try getting up early, getting 4 kids fed AND yourself ready and be at church on time. You try to brush & style hair for groggy little girls who would rather be in BED than up and around early on a Sat. morning. It wasn't easy.
I choose my battles and primping fussy little girls who didn't want to hold still was not one worth fighting. My girls have only ever been clean, sweet-smelling and dressed nicely, but that wasn't enough. I invested more in their talent than their tresses- teaching them to sing in 3 part harmony. But the "secret female code" (See recent 'My Journey' post) permeates the church scene as well. I was a public figure and the chink in my armor was that my girls didn't look prissy enough and someone had a problem with that. Pathetic!
So, thanks to the "loving and generous support" of her local church family, Amy now gets to see her infant son, twice a week for 1 hour, supervised visits. She is cooperating with everything the state says she must do in order to get him back, but she feels her chances are VERY slim. "They took him from me before he was even weaned" she laments. Her dream was to go to nursing school, but if her name goes on a list of Child abusers, she can never be a nurse. Her dream is nearly destroyed.
Society as a whole kicks people while they're down, then blames them for considering drastic measures. It's a cruel world and pain can drive people to the point of insanity. To busy or afraid to reach out, we will stand back, watch the foundation crumble one brick at a time, watch people come crashing down, then condemn them for the fall. Sad isn't it?
Amy is a pretty little thing. She can be a little hyper-active at times. Her social skills aren't the greatest and she's got some things to learn, but she's harmless. I know with all my heart she loves her son because when I asked his name, she couldn't bring herself to speak his name without bursting into tears. The whole situation could have been handled better. This is just another deep wound upon an already deeply wounded girl. She is likely to carry guilt and self-doubt over this for the rest of her life.
This is why I'm no longer part of organized religion. The people who REALLY need love and assistance are the ones who get dumped on. Often, churches are so busy congratulating themselves for being "right" about everything, don't dare spoil the fun fashion & praise parade, by having problems or needs. Amy was a true seeker and they totally sank her.
I am told that I should "Stay in the church and help make positive changes", but I tried for years and hit burn-out. They are blind and DO NOT want to see. Whenever we think ourselves wise, we are the greatest of fools.
So Amy sat in the chair across from me saying, "I know I'm no Christian. I used to think that somehow I could be. Maybe I could be redeemed from everything that happened, but since I can't seem to make myself live the way they say I should, there is NO way God or anyone else can ever really love me." At this point, we are both wiping tears. Oh YES, I'm feeling her pain.
I cannot help it, I reach across the table and grab her hand. Whew, my throat is tight. I say, "Tell, me what "great sin" have you committed that cannot be forgiven?" She says, "I cuss. I took up smoking when they took my son away and I still like to have sex and probably always will." I said, "Amy, if there is a God- and I think there is, He does NOT condemn you for these things. He understands every reason why you are who you are and do what you do. He allowed some very terrible things to happen to you when you were just a kid, do you think He will turn His back on you because of how you are trying to deal with the pain?"
She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes- no words. I continued, "If that's how God is, then I want nothing to do with Him! But I think if He were here in this room with us, He'd say He does not condemn you, you are loved and forgiven for any wrongs you have done." That was all I could say. This whole thing hit close to home for me and I did not go in to work prepared to confront this kind of issue.
I gave the church the VERY best I had. I sang, spoke, wrote articles, worked behind the scenes to plan special events so that people could be blessed. I lived my life ALONE the majority of the time so my man could work in the ministry promoting the church for 11 yrs. Moved all over the country to follow our assignments. For what?
When Jay was fired by a currupt and power-hungry leader, there was NO disciplinary action taken to defend us. Everything fell apart, we lost it all, I was worn out, the church school teacher (who I thought was my friend) had a gossip fest going on behind our backs saying we were "guilty of child neglect". Being POOR and being neglectful are two different things.
That was the FINAL straw. With precious few exceptions, the churches have demonstrated time and time again that they are NOT safe places for poor, broken, wounded sinners to be.
When Amy was only 6 yrs old her mother died. (I almost could've guessed the time of this traumatic life change, because at 20 yrs of age, she exhibits some mannerisms that remind me of a 6 year old- which indicates to me that at some level, her emotional development stopped when she lost her mother.) She was raised by an over-bearing father who controlled her every move and pretty-much kept her in isolation. She did not come right out and say it, but based on some of the things she did share, I suspect there was some sexual abuse issues.
At 16, lonely and desperate for some kind of connection with someone, anyone, she became sexually compulsive. At 17, she joined a church- which became her "safe place". For 3 yrs she attended, joining the church choir. Finding belief in a God who loved her lessened her loneliness a bit. At 19 yrs of age, she became pregnant with her boyfriend's child.
That's when her relationship with the church began to crumble. She was kicked out of the choir because she had sinned and was therefore a "bad example". Okay, HOLD the phone people! 1) There ain't a single person in that choir who doesn't sin. Just because her sin was about to become physically evident, did NOT justify their judgement against her. 2) I'd be willing to WAGER that half the ladies in that church choir slept with someone before they were ever married- perhaps they just didn't get caught or find themselves pregnant, but now they sit in self-righteous judgement over this poor girl?! That is SICK and TWISTED religion. 3) Who put the scale in their hands to decide which sins deserve banishment and which don't? You see lying, gossip and gluttony (over-eating) are also listed in the Bible as sins, but there they sit so smugly in their size XXXL choir robes casting judgement on a motherless child. 4) Churchy people put FAR too much stock in setting themselves up as "good examples". If you believe in Jesus Christ, then make Him and not yourselves the examples to follow. Sooner or later, all humans fall to temptation, but The Christ overcame the weakness of the flesh. Promote Him, not your own righteousness!
When Amy's boyfriend indicates he has NO desire to father a child, she goes through the whole debate over whether to carry or abort the baby. She decides to carry the child, even though she knows her parenting will be a solo act. Instead of rallying around this girl, supporting and encouraging her, she is constantly being taken aside by various church members and told that she is "not Motherhood material" and that she should put the baby up for adoption so he can have both a Mom AND a Dad. Now, she is already scared and insecure- this only makes her feel worse.
The baby is born and Amy is IN LOVE with her son. She decides to breastfeed him, since that is healthiest for him. Two women from the church tell her, "If you EVER need ANYTHING, we are here for you- just call". Baby is healthy and gains weight normally. When he is 4 wks old, he becomes somewhat fussy. After days & nights of being up with the child, Amy calls one of the two ladies she trusts. (Remember the ones who offered to "be there" for her?) She tearfully expresses her frustration at being alone and not being able to calm the baby down and says, "I can understand how some parents would end up shaking their babies". The lady on the other line, FREAKS out, tells Amy to hold the line and goes to call the police on her cell phone.
Thirty mins later, the Police and Child Protective Services show up and take the baby away.
Amy says she did NOT shake her baby, but in a vulnerable moment, thinking she could trust the church lady, she said she "could understand how a parent could come to that when they're tired & frustrated." She was being honest and confiding in a friend. If the lady on the other end of the line REALLY was a Christian and really cared, she should have said, "You know what, Sweetie, I only live 5 miles away, I'll be over in a minute to help." But it's more convenient to call the cops and let the state rip the baby from his mother's breast.
A baby deserves to be with it's birth mother. NO mother is perfect and makes no mistakes. Why all the self-righteousness? I was called on the carpet twice because people thought I should "do more with my daughter's hair"- primp them up for church with braids, ringlets & bows. This was surprising coming from a church that is supposed to discourage vanity. But okay, YOU try getting up early, getting 4 kids fed AND yourself ready and be at church on time. You try to brush & style hair for groggy little girls who would rather be in BED than up and around early on a Sat. morning. It wasn't easy.
I choose my battles and primping fussy little girls who didn't want to hold still was not one worth fighting. My girls have only ever been clean, sweet-smelling and dressed nicely, but that wasn't enough. I invested more in their talent than their tresses- teaching them to sing in 3 part harmony. But the "secret female code" (See recent 'My Journey' post) permeates the church scene as well. I was a public figure and the chink in my armor was that my girls didn't look prissy enough and someone had a problem with that. Pathetic!
So, thanks to the "loving and generous support" of her local church family, Amy now gets to see her infant son, twice a week for 1 hour, supervised visits. She is cooperating with everything the state says she must do in order to get him back, but she feels her chances are VERY slim. "They took him from me before he was even weaned" she laments. Her dream was to go to nursing school, but if her name goes on a list of Child abusers, she can never be a nurse. Her dream is nearly destroyed.
Society as a whole kicks people while they're down, then blames them for considering drastic measures. It's a cruel world and pain can drive people to the point of insanity. To busy or afraid to reach out, we will stand back, watch the foundation crumble one brick at a time, watch people come crashing down, then condemn them for the fall. Sad isn't it?
Amy is a pretty little thing. She can be a little hyper-active at times. Her social skills aren't the greatest and she's got some things to learn, but she's harmless. I know with all my heart she loves her son because when I asked his name, she couldn't bring herself to speak his name without bursting into tears. The whole situation could have been handled better. This is just another deep wound upon an already deeply wounded girl. She is likely to carry guilt and self-doubt over this for the rest of her life.
This is why I'm no longer part of organized religion. The people who REALLY need love and assistance are the ones who get dumped on. Often, churches are so busy congratulating themselves for being "right" about everything, don't dare spoil the fun fashion & praise parade, by having problems or needs. Amy was a true seeker and they totally sank her.
I am told that I should "Stay in the church and help make positive changes", but I tried for years and hit burn-out. They are blind and DO NOT want to see. Whenever we think ourselves wise, we are the greatest of fools.
So Amy sat in the chair across from me saying, "I know I'm no Christian. I used to think that somehow I could be. Maybe I could be redeemed from everything that happened, but since I can't seem to make myself live the way they say I should, there is NO way God or anyone else can ever really love me." At this point, we are both wiping tears. Oh YES, I'm feeling her pain.
I cannot help it, I reach across the table and grab her hand. Whew, my throat is tight. I say, "Tell, me what "great sin" have you committed that cannot be forgiven?" She says, "I cuss. I took up smoking when they took my son away and I still like to have sex and probably always will." I said, "Amy, if there is a God- and I think there is, He does NOT condemn you for these things. He understands every reason why you are who you are and do what you do. He allowed some very terrible things to happen to you when you were just a kid, do you think He will turn His back on you because of how you are trying to deal with the pain?"
She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes- no words. I continued, "If that's how God is, then I want nothing to do with Him! But I think if He were here in this room with us, He'd say He does not condemn you, you are loved and forgiven for any wrongs you have done." That was all I could say. This whole thing hit close to home for me and I did not go in to work prepared to confront this kind of issue.
I gave the church the VERY best I had. I sang, spoke, wrote articles, worked behind the scenes to plan special events so that people could be blessed. I lived my life ALONE the majority of the time so my man could work in the ministry promoting the church for 11 yrs. Moved all over the country to follow our assignments. For what?
When Jay was fired by a currupt and power-hungry leader, there was NO disciplinary action taken to defend us. Everything fell apart, we lost it all, I was worn out, the church school teacher (who I thought was my friend) had a gossip fest going on behind our backs saying we were "guilty of child neglect". Being POOR and being neglectful are two different things.
That was the FINAL straw. With precious few exceptions, the churches have demonstrated time and time again that they are NOT safe places for poor, broken, wounded sinners to be.
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