The vast majority of religions in this world stress the importance of obedience.
The very word "obedience" connotates that there is someone in command and someone in submission. I made sure that I did not promise to "obey" in my marriage vow. Marriage should be a partnership- not a dictatorship.
In Christianity, it is God in control and we, the lowly worms of sinfulness and degredation are to obey and do so gladly & without question. Things are very similar in Islam. Strict adherence to a code- don't think, don't feel or vary from the status quo. I reject the idea that we are to think of ourselves so negatively. Human beings are beautiful, intelligent and complex. Yes, we are certainly capable of mischief, but also of great good.
I prefer the idea of cooperation. This concept promotes equality- a give & take relationship. Is it so awful to think of a relationship with God or those around us in this way?
As a parent, I am not barking commands and demanding my children to follow my whims and be carbon copies of me. I provide for their needs, support their development and encourage them to be responsible. I take a genuine interest in my kids. My heart is closely tied to them and a sense of cooperation has grown from this bond. This is completely different than the approach I was raised with, but I think it's working...
As a Christian, I was intent on being obedient to certain standards, but at what sacrifice? Expected to turn my back on any & all "worldly" pleasures, the list of enjoyment in my life grew quite small. Let's reflect:
No TV, no movies, no popular music, no co-ed swimming, no jeans, no fast cars, no wine, no jewelry, no sensuality, no dancing, no meat in my diet, no sugar, no caffeine.... the "no-no" list kept growing. I viewed God as an entity that takes away all joy and makes us dull. I was BORED to death at several points of my journey!! Sorry, as much as they would like to paint themselves as being more modernized and Gospel focused, there are still large pockets of Adventism that very closely resemble a cult.
Eventually, I broke away from all those restraints. Life is painfully short. A joyless life can be painfully long.
I am NOT opposed to obedience. There comes a time when everyone needs to obey to a certain degree. But I think as much as possible, we need to work toward cooperation.
I cannot MAKE myself be good. I've tried. I'm a decent person, but I make mistakes just like everyone else. I am a black sheep.
They say God is like a shepherd who seeks lost lambs. I have never felt very "sought after" in life. My parents, my spouse and many of my friends and extended family were the kind I had to pursue in order to have any kind of relationship. Eventually, a few years back I got a clue, "Hey, things were getting pretty one-sided." So I backed off. Guess what? Without me making most of the effort, it pretty much died out. It feels somewhat the same with God. When I need Him most, He is painfully silent.
There are some movies out there that make me cry. The ones where the hero saves the girl, Daddy finds his daughter, or the man is there for his woman- the way she needs him to be. Most are scripted & not based on true stories, but I think there is a part in each of us that wants to be pursued.
I have done more than my share of pursuit and have searched for a hero most of my life. Amazing people are few & far between. I've had to pull myself up by the bootstraps so many times... not whining, that's just the way it is.
God, if You're up there... if You're by chance still listening to me, I need You to make a move. Find me. Help me feel the love they say You have in Your heart for every soul. I'm waiting... but I won't wait forever. Eventually there may come a time when I, like so many others believe the Bible is just a book of wisdom & fairy-tales.
Win my heart and I WILL cooperate with Your plan.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Business as Usual...
Seem to hear about it more and more these days. Adultery, divorce, extortion, quackery, etc. happening in churches. The most recent I heard was about this twisted little power-play between a Head Pastor and his Associate Pastor. It ended very badly. No, one did not kill the other, but I suspect there was some heavy-duty character assasination involved. Ouch! After sharing the story, my friend expressed determination to stay with the church, despite the insanity he has witnessed. This was my response:
"I'm not surprised by much these days. Seen a great deal of this- both in my own life and in the lives of many I loved. We constantly hear of the nightmares my Father-in-law has to deal with as he pastors 2 churches in PA. Poor guy!
I stuck around trying to grin & bear the insanity-overlooking mistreatment and trying to make a difference only to receive more slaps on the face. Forgive? Yes- ALL of us make mistakes. Continue to play along? No thanks. The last series of insults was too much to bear, so we left the church and haven't regretted that decision in the slightest.
Christ was so wearied by the blindness, arrogance & mind-games in the church of His time, He seemed to prefer meeting with seekers and non-believers on mountaintops and seasides. It was churchy people who put Him on that cross. Why? Because He had a genuine connection with God, spoke honestly and did not cater to their whims.
Organized religion has it's good points, but by it's very nature is too structured and formal. It has a tendancy to tread with heavy boots upon individuality. Although there are advantages to having ranks & offices, the infrastructure always leads to petty politics and control issues- even among the most well-intentioned.
When religion becomes a well-oiled machine, it tends to foster pride and a sense of obligation- rather than humble service or sincere devotion. If this is not the case, why is the success of any outreach effort measured only by how much offering came in or how many baptisms were performed??
Church- in order to BE a church, must declare, "This is who we are, how we eat, what we believe and how we must behave". If you want to be one of us, you either get in the box and conform or you're a hypocrite.
In the last 2 yrs of my journey, I have visited/mingled with every major denomination that exists in this country and (with few exceptions) find them equally guilty of abuse & neglect. They finger-point and reject the wounded people who need love most.
There are certainly ways to connect with God that DO NOT involve being a bonafied member of any church. Moses, David, Elijah and John the Baptist did just fine in the wilderness. In fact, they had a more genuine spirituality- they were not distracted or contaminated by all the political strivings, propoganda and power-plays that go on.
I think people who are raised within any denomination and have never known anything else cannot see that it's possible to be spiritually-minded and a sincere Christ follower without having your name on a church roster.
Though I admire the dedicated spirit of those who remain behind to deal with all the nonsense, (there's a ton of it) I could no longer do so. For my own emotional, spiritual health, I left and my family with me. If that makes me "weak" or a "wimp", so be it. But remember, it took 2 decades of abuse before I finally left.
The ministry was more than happy to use up most of my husband's prime & his time, knowing full-well, he had a lonely wife & 4 kids at home who needed him. They were more than happy to pat us on the back for living on a shoe-string budget, sacrificing any financial progress. The road to burn-out and bankruptcy was paved with golden bricks.
When corrupt church leaders destroyed our lives, the denomination sat back tisk-tisking. Not a finger was lifted to come to our defense. (Don't rock the boat too much, or make corrupt people be accountable for poor behavior- might upset someone and not get re-elected to a high-ranking office.) Politics in the church aren't very different from those in the government. The little guy takes the fall, so the organization can continue to prosper unscathed.
Actually had one person tell me that we "should stop complaining and consider it a privilege to take a fall for the church". Yeah? You say that when you're bankrupt and there's only beans, crackers, Stewed tomatos & Ramens in YOUR pantry!! It will take my family a long time to heal and re-build our lives. (Fortunately, the wrong that was done did not financially devastate the other families in the ministry like it did us.)
If God rejects us because we left an unhealthy environment, so be it, but I think He completely understands."
And in the wise words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say 'bout that...." ;o)
"I'm not surprised by much these days. Seen a great deal of this- both in my own life and in the lives of many I loved. We constantly hear of the nightmares my Father-in-law has to deal with as he pastors 2 churches in PA. Poor guy!
I stuck around trying to grin & bear the insanity-overlooking mistreatment and trying to make a difference only to receive more slaps on the face. Forgive? Yes- ALL of us make mistakes. Continue to play along? No thanks. The last series of insults was too much to bear, so we left the church and haven't regretted that decision in the slightest.
Christ was so wearied by the blindness, arrogance & mind-games in the church of His time, He seemed to prefer meeting with seekers and non-believers on mountaintops and seasides. It was churchy people who put Him on that cross. Why? Because He had a genuine connection with God, spoke honestly and did not cater to their whims.
Organized religion has it's good points, but by it's very nature is too structured and formal. It has a tendancy to tread with heavy boots upon individuality. Although there are advantages to having ranks & offices, the infrastructure always leads to petty politics and control issues- even among the most well-intentioned.
When religion becomes a well-oiled machine, it tends to foster pride and a sense of obligation- rather than humble service or sincere devotion. If this is not the case, why is the success of any outreach effort measured only by how much offering came in or how many baptisms were performed??
Church- in order to BE a church, must declare, "This is who we are, how we eat, what we believe and how we must behave". If you want to be one of us, you either get in the box and conform or you're a hypocrite.
In the last 2 yrs of my journey, I have visited/mingled with every major denomination that exists in this country and (with few exceptions) find them equally guilty of abuse & neglect. They finger-point and reject the wounded people who need love most.
There are certainly ways to connect with God that DO NOT involve being a bonafied member of any church. Moses, David, Elijah and John the Baptist did just fine in the wilderness. In fact, they had a more genuine spirituality- they were not distracted or contaminated by all the political strivings, propoganda and power-plays that go on.
I think people who are raised within any denomination and have never known anything else cannot see that it's possible to be spiritually-minded and a sincere Christ follower without having your name on a church roster.
Though I admire the dedicated spirit of those who remain behind to deal with all the nonsense, (there's a ton of it) I could no longer do so. For my own emotional, spiritual health, I left and my family with me. If that makes me "weak" or a "wimp", so be it. But remember, it took 2 decades of abuse before I finally left.
The ministry was more than happy to use up most of my husband's prime & his time, knowing full-well, he had a lonely wife & 4 kids at home who needed him. They were more than happy to pat us on the back for living on a shoe-string budget, sacrificing any financial progress. The road to burn-out and bankruptcy was paved with golden bricks.
When corrupt church leaders destroyed our lives, the denomination sat back tisk-tisking. Not a finger was lifted to come to our defense. (Don't rock the boat too much, or make corrupt people be accountable for poor behavior- might upset someone and not get re-elected to a high-ranking office.) Politics in the church aren't very different from those in the government. The little guy takes the fall, so the organization can continue to prosper unscathed.
Actually had one person tell me that we "should stop complaining and consider it a privilege to take a fall for the church". Yeah? You say that when you're bankrupt and there's only beans, crackers, Stewed tomatos & Ramens in YOUR pantry!! It will take my family a long time to heal and re-build our lives. (Fortunately, the wrong that was done did not financially devastate the other families in the ministry like it did us.)
If God rejects us because we left an unhealthy environment, so be it, but I think He completely understands."
And in the wise words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say 'bout that...." ;o)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Heavy on My Heart...
It was late afternoon, I found myself sitting across from a 20 yr old girl. She came to me- guess she is seeking a mentor. Needed someone to listen and I have an office she could come to. My heart went out to her as I listened to her story.
When Amy was only 6 yrs old her mother died. (I almost could've guessed the time of this traumatic life change, because at 20 yrs of age, she exhibits some mannerisms that remind me of a 6 year old- which indicates to me that at some level, her emotional development stopped when she lost her mother.) She was raised by an over-bearing father who controlled her every move and pretty-much kept her in isolation. She did not come right out and say it, but based on some of the things she did share, I suspect there was some sexual abuse issues.
At 16, lonely and desperate for some kind of connection with someone, anyone, she became sexually compulsive. At 17, she joined a church- which became her "safe place". For 3 yrs she attended, joining the church choir. Finding belief in a God who loved her lessened her loneliness a bit. At 19 yrs of age, she became pregnant with her boyfriend's child.
That's when her relationship with the church began to crumble. She was kicked out of the choir because she had sinned and was therefore a "bad example". Okay, HOLD the phone people! 1) There ain't a single person in that choir who doesn't sin. Just because her sin was about to become physically evident, did NOT justify their judgement against her. 2) I'd be willing to WAGER that half the ladies in that church choir slept with someone before they were ever married- perhaps they just didn't get caught or find themselves pregnant, but now they sit in self-righteous judgement over this poor girl?! That is SICK and TWISTED religion. 3) Who put the scale in their hands to decide which sins deserve banishment and which don't? You see lying, gossip and gluttony (over-eating) are also listed in the Bible as sins, but there they sit so smugly in their size XXXL choir robes casting judgement on a motherless child. 4) Churchy people put FAR too much stock in setting themselves up as "good examples". If you believe in Jesus Christ, then make Him and not yourselves the examples to follow. Sooner or later, all humans fall to temptation, but The Christ overcame the weakness of the flesh. Promote Him, not your own righteousness!
When Amy's boyfriend indicates he has NO desire to father a child, she goes through the whole debate over whether to carry or abort the baby. She decides to carry the child, even though she knows her parenting will be a solo act. Instead of rallying around this girl, supporting and encouraging her, she is constantly being taken aside by various church members and told that she is "not Motherhood material" and that she should put the baby up for adoption so he can have both a Mom AND a Dad. Now, she is already scared and insecure- this only makes her feel worse.
The baby is born and Amy is IN LOVE with her son. She decides to breastfeed him, since that is healthiest for him. Two women from the church tell her, "If you EVER need ANYTHING, we are here for you- just call". Baby is healthy and gains weight normally. When he is 4 wks old, he becomes somewhat fussy. After days & nights of being up with the child, Amy calls one of the two ladies she trusts. (Remember the ones who offered to "be there" for her?) She tearfully expresses her frustration at being alone and not being able to calm the baby down and says, "I can understand how some parents would end up shaking their babies". The lady on the other line, FREAKS out, tells Amy to hold the line and goes to call the police on her cell phone.
Thirty mins later, the Police and Child Protective Services show up and take the baby away.
Amy says she did NOT shake her baby, but in a vulnerable moment, thinking she could trust the church lady, she said she "could understand how a parent could come to that when they're tired & frustrated." She was being honest and confiding in a friend. If the lady on the other end of the line REALLY was a Christian and really cared, she should have said, "You know what, Sweetie, I only live 5 miles away, I'll be over in a minute to help." But it's more convenient to call the cops and let the state rip the baby from his mother's breast.
A baby deserves to be with it's birth mother. NO mother is perfect and makes no mistakes. Why all the self-righteousness? I was called on the carpet twice because people thought I should "do more with my daughter's hair"- primp them up for church with braids, ringlets & bows. This was surprising coming from a church that is supposed to discourage vanity. But okay, YOU try getting up early, getting 4 kids fed AND yourself ready and be at church on time. You try to brush & style hair for groggy little girls who would rather be in BED than up and around early on a Sat. morning. It wasn't easy.
I choose my battles and primping fussy little girls who didn't want to hold still was not one worth fighting. My girls have only ever been clean, sweet-smelling and dressed nicely, but that wasn't enough. I invested more in their talent than their tresses- teaching them to sing in 3 part harmony. But the "secret female code" (See recent 'My Journey' post) permeates the church scene as well. I was a public figure and the chink in my armor was that my girls didn't look prissy enough and someone had a problem with that. Pathetic!
So, thanks to the "loving and generous support" of her local church family, Amy now gets to see her infant son, twice a week for 1 hour, supervised visits. She is cooperating with everything the state says she must do in order to get him back, but she feels her chances are VERY slim. "They took him from me before he was even weaned" she laments. Her dream was to go to nursing school, but if her name goes on a list of Child abusers, she can never be a nurse. Her dream is nearly destroyed.
Society as a whole kicks people while they're down, then blames them for considering drastic measures. It's a cruel world and pain can drive people to the point of insanity. To busy or afraid to reach out, we will stand back, watch the foundation crumble one brick at a time, watch people come crashing down, then condemn them for the fall. Sad isn't it?
Amy is a pretty little thing. She can be a little hyper-active at times. Her social skills aren't the greatest and she's got some things to learn, but she's harmless. I know with all my heart she loves her son because when I asked his name, she couldn't bring herself to speak his name without bursting into tears. The whole situation could have been handled better. This is just another deep wound upon an already deeply wounded girl. She is likely to carry guilt and self-doubt over this for the rest of her life.
This is why I'm no longer part of organized religion. The people who REALLY need love and assistance are the ones who get dumped on. Often, churches are so busy congratulating themselves for being "right" about everything, don't dare spoil the fun fashion & praise parade, by having problems or needs. Amy was a true seeker and they totally sank her.
I am told that I should "Stay in the church and help make positive changes", but I tried for years and hit burn-out. They are blind and DO NOT want to see. Whenever we think ourselves wise, we are the greatest of fools.
So Amy sat in the chair across from me saying, "I know I'm no Christian. I used to think that somehow I could be. Maybe I could be redeemed from everything that happened, but since I can't seem to make myself live the way they say I should, there is NO way God or anyone else can ever really love me." At this point, we are both wiping tears. Oh YES, I'm feeling her pain.
I cannot help it, I reach across the table and grab her hand. Whew, my throat is tight. I say, "Tell, me what "great sin" have you committed that cannot be forgiven?" She says, "I cuss. I took up smoking when they took my son away and I still like to have sex and probably always will." I said, "Amy, if there is a God- and I think there is, He does NOT condemn you for these things. He understands every reason why you are who you are and do what you do. He allowed some very terrible things to happen to you when you were just a kid, do you think He will turn His back on you because of how you are trying to deal with the pain?"
She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes- no words. I continued, "If that's how God is, then I want nothing to do with Him! But I think if He were here in this room with us, He'd say He does not condemn you, you are loved and forgiven for any wrongs you have done." That was all I could say. This whole thing hit close to home for me and I did not go in to work prepared to confront this kind of issue.
I gave the church the VERY best I had. I sang, spoke, wrote articles, worked behind the scenes to plan special events so that people could be blessed. I lived my life ALONE the majority of the time so my man could work in the ministry promoting the church for 11 yrs. Moved all over the country to follow our assignments. For what?
When Jay was fired by a currupt and power-hungry leader, there was NO disciplinary action taken to defend us. Everything fell apart, we lost it all, I was worn out, the church school teacher (who I thought was my friend) had a gossip fest going on behind our backs saying we were "guilty of child neglect". Being POOR and being neglectful are two different things.
That was the FINAL straw. With precious few exceptions, the churches have demonstrated time and time again that they are NOT safe places for poor, broken, wounded sinners to be.
When Amy was only 6 yrs old her mother died. (I almost could've guessed the time of this traumatic life change, because at 20 yrs of age, she exhibits some mannerisms that remind me of a 6 year old- which indicates to me that at some level, her emotional development stopped when she lost her mother.) She was raised by an over-bearing father who controlled her every move and pretty-much kept her in isolation. She did not come right out and say it, but based on some of the things she did share, I suspect there was some sexual abuse issues.
At 16, lonely and desperate for some kind of connection with someone, anyone, she became sexually compulsive. At 17, she joined a church- which became her "safe place". For 3 yrs she attended, joining the church choir. Finding belief in a God who loved her lessened her loneliness a bit. At 19 yrs of age, she became pregnant with her boyfriend's child.
That's when her relationship with the church began to crumble. She was kicked out of the choir because she had sinned and was therefore a "bad example". Okay, HOLD the phone people! 1) There ain't a single person in that choir who doesn't sin. Just because her sin was about to become physically evident, did NOT justify their judgement against her. 2) I'd be willing to WAGER that half the ladies in that church choir slept with someone before they were ever married- perhaps they just didn't get caught or find themselves pregnant, but now they sit in self-righteous judgement over this poor girl?! That is SICK and TWISTED religion. 3) Who put the scale in their hands to decide which sins deserve banishment and which don't? You see lying, gossip and gluttony (over-eating) are also listed in the Bible as sins, but there they sit so smugly in their size XXXL choir robes casting judgement on a motherless child. 4) Churchy people put FAR too much stock in setting themselves up as "good examples". If you believe in Jesus Christ, then make Him and not yourselves the examples to follow. Sooner or later, all humans fall to temptation, but The Christ overcame the weakness of the flesh. Promote Him, not your own righteousness!
When Amy's boyfriend indicates he has NO desire to father a child, she goes through the whole debate over whether to carry or abort the baby. She decides to carry the child, even though she knows her parenting will be a solo act. Instead of rallying around this girl, supporting and encouraging her, she is constantly being taken aside by various church members and told that she is "not Motherhood material" and that she should put the baby up for adoption so he can have both a Mom AND a Dad. Now, she is already scared and insecure- this only makes her feel worse.
The baby is born and Amy is IN LOVE with her son. She decides to breastfeed him, since that is healthiest for him. Two women from the church tell her, "If you EVER need ANYTHING, we are here for you- just call". Baby is healthy and gains weight normally. When he is 4 wks old, he becomes somewhat fussy. After days & nights of being up with the child, Amy calls one of the two ladies she trusts. (Remember the ones who offered to "be there" for her?) She tearfully expresses her frustration at being alone and not being able to calm the baby down and says, "I can understand how some parents would end up shaking their babies". The lady on the other line, FREAKS out, tells Amy to hold the line and goes to call the police on her cell phone.
Thirty mins later, the Police and Child Protective Services show up and take the baby away.
Amy says she did NOT shake her baby, but in a vulnerable moment, thinking she could trust the church lady, she said she "could understand how a parent could come to that when they're tired & frustrated." She was being honest and confiding in a friend. If the lady on the other end of the line REALLY was a Christian and really cared, she should have said, "You know what, Sweetie, I only live 5 miles away, I'll be over in a minute to help." But it's more convenient to call the cops and let the state rip the baby from his mother's breast.
A baby deserves to be with it's birth mother. NO mother is perfect and makes no mistakes. Why all the self-righteousness? I was called on the carpet twice because people thought I should "do more with my daughter's hair"- primp them up for church with braids, ringlets & bows. This was surprising coming from a church that is supposed to discourage vanity. But okay, YOU try getting up early, getting 4 kids fed AND yourself ready and be at church on time. You try to brush & style hair for groggy little girls who would rather be in BED than up and around early on a Sat. morning. It wasn't easy.
I choose my battles and primping fussy little girls who didn't want to hold still was not one worth fighting. My girls have only ever been clean, sweet-smelling and dressed nicely, but that wasn't enough. I invested more in their talent than their tresses- teaching them to sing in 3 part harmony. But the "secret female code" (See recent 'My Journey' post) permeates the church scene as well. I was a public figure and the chink in my armor was that my girls didn't look prissy enough and someone had a problem with that. Pathetic!
So, thanks to the "loving and generous support" of her local church family, Amy now gets to see her infant son, twice a week for 1 hour, supervised visits. She is cooperating with everything the state says she must do in order to get him back, but she feels her chances are VERY slim. "They took him from me before he was even weaned" she laments. Her dream was to go to nursing school, but if her name goes on a list of Child abusers, she can never be a nurse. Her dream is nearly destroyed.
Society as a whole kicks people while they're down, then blames them for considering drastic measures. It's a cruel world and pain can drive people to the point of insanity. To busy or afraid to reach out, we will stand back, watch the foundation crumble one brick at a time, watch people come crashing down, then condemn them for the fall. Sad isn't it?
Amy is a pretty little thing. She can be a little hyper-active at times. Her social skills aren't the greatest and she's got some things to learn, but she's harmless. I know with all my heart she loves her son because when I asked his name, she couldn't bring herself to speak his name without bursting into tears. The whole situation could have been handled better. This is just another deep wound upon an already deeply wounded girl. She is likely to carry guilt and self-doubt over this for the rest of her life.
This is why I'm no longer part of organized religion. The people who REALLY need love and assistance are the ones who get dumped on. Often, churches are so busy congratulating themselves for being "right" about everything, don't dare spoil the fun fashion & praise parade, by having problems or needs. Amy was a true seeker and they totally sank her.
I am told that I should "Stay in the church and help make positive changes", but I tried for years and hit burn-out. They are blind and DO NOT want to see. Whenever we think ourselves wise, we are the greatest of fools.
So Amy sat in the chair across from me saying, "I know I'm no Christian. I used to think that somehow I could be. Maybe I could be redeemed from everything that happened, but since I can't seem to make myself live the way they say I should, there is NO way God or anyone else can ever really love me." At this point, we are both wiping tears. Oh YES, I'm feeling her pain.
I cannot help it, I reach across the table and grab her hand. Whew, my throat is tight. I say, "Tell, me what "great sin" have you committed that cannot be forgiven?" She says, "I cuss. I took up smoking when they took my son away and I still like to have sex and probably always will." I said, "Amy, if there is a God- and I think there is, He does NOT condemn you for these things. He understands every reason why you are who you are and do what you do. He allowed some very terrible things to happen to you when you were just a kid, do you think He will turn His back on you because of how you are trying to deal with the pain?"
She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes- no words. I continued, "If that's how God is, then I want nothing to do with Him! But I think if He were here in this room with us, He'd say He does not condemn you, you are loved and forgiven for any wrongs you have done." That was all I could say. This whole thing hit close to home for me and I did not go in to work prepared to confront this kind of issue.
I gave the church the VERY best I had. I sang, spoke, wrote articles, worked behind the scenes to plan special events so that people could be blessed. I lived my life ALONE the majority of the time so my man could work in the ministry promoting the church for 11 yrs. Moved all over the country to follow our assignments. For what?
When Jay was fired by a currupt and power-hungry leader, there was NO disciplinary action taken to defend us. Everything fell apart, we lost it all, I was worn out, the church school teacher (who I thought was my friend) had a gossip fest going on behind our backs saying we were "guilty of child neglect". Being POOR and being neglectful are two different things.
That was the FINAL straw. With precious few exceptions, the churches have demonstrated time and time again that they are NOT safe places for poor, broken, wounded sinners to be.
Friday, November 23, 2007
How Long?
Two words, simple yet powerful. These were uttered by many great men. Mighty King David asked this question. The Christ uttered, "How long must I remain, how long must I labor with you"...
He did not say this in an insulting way. He who knew the beginning from the end, Jesus- the very epitomy of love, humility and kindness dealt with a blind nation who thought they already knew all the answers and rendered harsh judgement upon others on a daily basis.
Even the children of Israel were divided into little sects. He was often exhausted and had to retreat for quiet moments of prayerful communion with His Father. So many times, He tried to paint a simple picture of the Kingdom, but His words fell upon the deaf ears of over-zealous, highly-opinionated religious men who thought themselves wise unto Salvation.
In the end, the blindness, the discord, the hatred and rejection crushed the life right out of Him, His heart was broken by the weight of all sin.
My humble Teacher, it is I who now ask "How long"? Will You never mend this shattered heart? Is my purpose never to be revealed?? How long will You leave me to wrestle in loneliness? How long until You reach with strong arms and pull me from the waves of sadness that have overtaken me? How long will You allow others to cast judgement upon me?
How long?
He did not say this in an insulting way. He who knew the beginning from the end, Jesus- the very epitomy of love, humility and kindness dealt with a blind nation who thought they already knew all the answers and rendered harsh judgement upon others on a daily basis.
Even the children of Israel were divided into little sects. He was often exhausted and had to retreat for quiet moments of prayerful communion with His Father. So many times, He tried to paint a simple picture of the Kingdom, but His words fell upon the deaf ears of over-zealous, highly-opinionated religious men who thought themselves wise unto Salvation.
In the end, the blindness, the discord, the hatred and rejection crushed the life right out of Him, His heart was broken by the weight of all sin.
My humble Teacher, it is I who now ask "How long"? Will You never mend this shattered heart? Is my purpose never to be revealed?? How long will You leave me to wrestle in loneliness? How long until You reach with strong arms and pull me from the waves of sadness that have overtaken me? How long will You allow others to cast judgement upon me?
How long?
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Prodigal...
Having stepped outside of organized religion and having spread my wings to develop my own journey, so-to-speak, I find that I relate more now to the simple teachings of the humble Christ than ever before.
I have a whole NEW take on the story of the Prodigal Son. The young boy becomes discontent with the way things are going on the farm and decides to leave. So he demands his inheritance, which the Father gives to him, knowing full well the boy is leaving and it may be squandered.
The boy takes the gift and runs with it. He really lives it up. He parties like a rock star, hooks up with a bunch of pretty girls and buys some new clothes. Things go well for a while, then the funds start running low and before long his free ride ends. He eventually finds himself with plenty of time for contemplation while feeding pigs and eating their slop to avoid starvation. It is then that he realizes his Father wasn't so bad after all.
He was a cocky and arrogant son- thought he had all the answers before. Now he is truly humble- even willing to offer himself as a servant.
I love this story. You see, I'm a prodigal and so are you. All of us have an inheritance. It is the love and grace freely offered to each of us. It is a gift that will either be squandered or developed. Some prodigals will enjoy their freedom and learn a lot of valuable lessons, while the more timid, reserved brethren stick to the routine, slaving away back on the farm and gritting their teeth, obediently keeping all the rules. The good news is that the Father- who represents God- loves and values BOTH sons.
The prodigal was not afraid to ask questions, to see how things are and figure life out for himself. He goes out and tests the waters and ends up finding the depth of his fathers love, devotion and forgiveness. Guess what? He does not come up abandoned or disappointed. Not only does the Father welcome him back, he throws a party to celebrate his return.
You see, it was likely NOT the Father the boy was running from. He was running from the farm, the same ol' same ol'. Perhaps he needed a break because he felt he was being overworked and told what to do constantly. He wanted to have a little fun and test out some of the theories he had about life. He made some foolish choices and ends up falling on his face in the dirt at his Fathers feet, yes. But his curiosity has been satisfied and he knows forever more, beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is loved and belongs in his Fathers house.
We should be mature enough to allow others to question their faith. Give them room to breathe, to contemplate and explore, even to disagree on certain points and grow. Be gracious enough not to talk down, verbally chastise or shun the prodigal. The churches, the older brothers are intimidated by his kind of honesty, but why? A sincere person who searches and obtains a real grasp on where he/she stands before God is to be valued. At least in the Father's eyes...
I have a whole NEW take on the story of the Prodigal Son. The young boy becomes discontent with the way things are going on the farm and decides to leave. So he demands his inheritance, which the Father gives to him, knowing full well the boy is leaving and it may be squandered.
The boy takes the gift and runs with it. He really lives it up. He parties like a rock star, hooks up with a bunch of pretty girls and buys some new clothes. Things go well for a while, then the funds start running low and before long his free ride ends. He eventually finds himself with plenty of time for contemplation while feeding pigs and eating their slop to avoid starvation. It is then that he realizes his Father wasn't so bad after all.
He was a cocky and arrogant son- thought he had all the answers before. Now he is truly humble- even willing to offer himself as a servant.
I love this story. You see, I'm a prodigal and so are you. All of us have an inheritance. It is the love and grace freely offered to each of us. It is a gift that will either be squandered or developed. Some prodigals will enjoy their freedom and learn a lot of valuable lessons, while the more timid, reserved brethren stick to the routine, slaving away back on the farm and gritting their teeth, obediently keeping all the rules. The good news is that the Father- who represents God- loves and values BOTH sons.
The prodigal was not afraid to ask questions, to see how things are and figure life out for himself. He goes out and tests the waters and ends up finding the depth of his fathers love, devotion and forgiveness. Guess what? He does not come up abandoned or disappointed. Not only does the Father welcome him back, he throws a party to celebrate his return.
You see, it was likely NOT the Father the boy was running from. He was running from the farm, the same ol' same ol'. Perhaps he needed a break because he felt he was being overworked and told what to do constantly. He wanted to have a little fun and test out some of the theories he had about life. He made some foolish choices and ends up falling on his face in the dirt at his Fathers feet, yes. But his curiosity has been satisfied and he knows forever more, beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is loved and belongs in his Fathers house.
We should be mature enough to allow others to question their faith. Give them room to breathe, to contemplate and explore, even to disagree on certain points and grow. Be gracious enough not to talk down, verbally chastise or shun the prodigal. The churches, the older brothers are intimidated by his kind of honesty, but why? A sincere person who searches and obtains a real grasp on where he/she stands before God is to be valued. At least in the Father's eyes...
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Still Learning...
Be patient with me, I'm still learning. I don't have it all figured out.
When I was a kid, I thought I did, but everything's different now.
Don't push me too far, too fast. I'm already hard on myself.
These are truths that must come with time and not from somebody else.
What is God? What is life? What is love? You seem to know it all.
I'm asking my questions, taking a chance and I'm not afraid to fall.
Don't be critical and expect me to thank you. Don't rob me of my journey.
In due time I will reach my conclusions. I will be where I need to be.
My heart is in the right place. Whether you agree or not.
I'm standing tall, my face to the wind, I'm giving it all I've got.
So let your mind rest easy. Don't need to cry for me.
Cry for yourself and all the others who go through life so blindly.
I'm risking it all, to find the truth, I cannot just conform.
And I will stand, knowing who I am, what and Who I'm living for.
When I was a kid, I thought I did, but everything's different now.
Don't push me too far, too fast. I'm already hard on myself.
These are truths that must come with time and not from somebody else.
What is God? What is life? What is love? You seem to know it all.
I'm asking my questions, taking a chance and I'm not afraid to fall.
Don't be critical and expect me to thank you. Don't rob me of my journey.
In due time I will reach my conclusions. I will be where I need to be.
My heart is in the right place. Whether you agree or not.
I'm standing tall, my face to the wind, I'm giving it all I've got.
So let your mind rest easy. Don't need to cry for me.
Cry for yourself and all the others who go through life so blindly.
I'm risking it all, to find the truth, I cannot just conform.
And I will stand, knowing who I am, what and Who I'm living for.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Wrestling...
I am like Jacob, wrestling with God. Oh, I may have arm-wrestled a little over a few concepts in the past. Now, I am in a full-out, sweat-covered, down-n-dirty match. Stakes are high. The most interesting thing to me? In the ancient story, when Jacob wrestled with the angel, God could have struck him dead for doing so. I mean, aren't we supposed to just go with the flow of whatever we are told? Instead, God stooped to wrestle in the dirt with the young, distraught boy all night. This shows me God is incredibly patient and FAR more understanding than most people in the church.
Religion has been so complicated by 'Big church', it can drive a person to madness. I WANT to know truth, I WANT to live a quality life. In the process of trying to sort things out, you can literally stand on the edge of your sanity for a time. So, I've had to back off, relax, cry and breathe a little.
I have openly examined the path of belief in nothing but myself and those around me, however I cannot bring myself to say there is no God. I believe He exists, but has been poorly defined/explained by a majority of "believers". The biggest reason I still believe in Divinity is two-fold. 1) Nature 2) Music.
Sorry, but I just can't buy that all this just happened out of some big coincidence. The turning of the leaves in Fall, the rebirth of Spring, the way things are between a man and woman. The migration of birds is a miracle.
Humans are amazing machines! Not only are we functional, we have the ability to capture emotion and memory with a paint-brush on canvas, a poem or song. The way music is born is such an abstract process- it is purely magical and must be a gift from a Creator who cares. When religion stifles self-expression, it goes against the grand design. We are meant to have dreams, thoughts, feelings, convictions and be able to express them.
I know what I was taught to believe- for much of my life I embraced it. Then everything came crashing down. I have now stepped away from it all- literally starting at ground zero. If God, is God, He is big enough to show me who He is. I do not need a priest, pastor or self-appointed mentor to guide me. I am fully capable of listening with my heart for the still, small voice of God- if it's there. If God is out there, and I think He is, I will settle for nothing less than a free and intimate experience.
Religion has been so complicated by 'Big church', it can drive a person to madness. I WANT to know truth, I WANT to live a quality life. In the process of trying to sort things out, you can literally stand on the edge of your sanity for a time. So, I've had to back off, relax, cry and breathe a little.
I have openly examined the path of belief in nothing but myself and those around me, however I cannot bring myself to say there is no God. I believe He exists, but has been poorly defined/explained by a majority of "believers". The biggest reason I still believe in Divinity is two-fold. 1) Nature 2) Music.
Sorry, but I just can't buy that all this just happened out of some big coincidence. The turning of the leaves in Fall, the rebirth of Spring, the way things are between a man and woman. The migration of birds is a miracle.
Humans are amazing machines! Not only are we functional, we have the ability to capture emotion and memory with a paint-brush on canvas, a poem or song. The way music is born is such an abstract process- it is purely magical and must be a gift from a Creator who cares. When religion stifles self-expression, it goes against the grand design. We are meant to have dreams, thoughts, feelings, convictions and be able to express them.
I know what I was taught to believe- for much of my life I embraced it. Then everything came crashing down. I have now stepped away from it all- literally starting at ground zero. If God, is God, He is big enough to show me who He is. I do not need a priest, pastor or self-appointed mentor to guide me. I am fully capable of listening with my heart for the still, small voice of God- if it's there. If God is out there, and I think He is, I will settle for nothing less than a free and intimate experience.
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