Breaking Away...

I drafted a letter of resignation from the Seventh-Day Adventist church this past week. NOT an easy thing to do as the church was my life and passion for so many years. However, there were too many questions the church could never answer for me- if I am to continue in my spiritual journey, these things must be given proper time and consideration. God is big enough to answer questions and true friends are big enough to let you ask.

If the people in the church had been mature enough to allow me this growing process, I wouldn't be so inclined to leave, but I have had it with nonsense. I cannot ignore what I've learned studying the Bible for myself, not with groupies anymore. I have seen too much. To have a passion for God and constantly be micro-managed, stifled, corrected and told what to do, how to believe, eat, dress, think, worship, etc. To be lectured repeatedly when all I really needed to know was that I am loved. Many have been used, mistreated, and neglected by the "Saints". Sorry, but it's too much to take. Those who have never seen life outside the bubble, the tight inner-circle think it's crazy to leave. To them the church has only ever been a place of security. One believer so lovingly referred to it as being like "a baby receiving nourishment in the womb". Glad she's had such a great experience. If that little picture holds true, the sad fact is, many seekers feel that we have been aborted. We know how people feel about us now. We once joined in clucking tongues and looking down our noses at those who had become disillusioned. We understand why they left now.

There is a core group of sincere thinkers in the SDA faith who may still be able to turn things around, but it will take years. I sang my heart out, wrote with passion and spoke until I was completely burned out on the whole deal. Some prefer spiritual bondage rather than knowing FREEDOM in Jesus Christ.
The vast majority still hold themselves up as the last bit of light to a fallen world saying, "Look to us for Truth". Yet, when thier members failed to provide the most basic of needs in someone's darkest hour, we are told, "Well, you can't judge the church by it's people." Which is it then? Look to you as examples or not??

Christ is the only example you as "Christians" should have upheld. Not a denomination, not 3ABN or LifeTalk, not this or that celebrity preacher or Sister White. For all the many words of "inspiration" you are barren like fig trees with no fruit and it has broken hearts until we prefer to "wander in the wilderness" than sit in the pews or suffer such dry sermons anymore.

All the "love" I thought existed when I went along with everything, suddenly grew quite thin when I began to think for myself. Oh, how the gossip wheels have turned! In arrogance, you were not even willing to hear us out or see where we were coming from.

How often does one turn the other cheek before realizing that's all you will ever do?? The church doled out the abuse, yet faults many for their anger. If a wife has an abusive husband, people clearly see the necessity of her getting OUT of the relationship. Our relationship with the church was spiritually toxic, yet we are expected to grin and bear it?

One of the hardest things for someone like me to reconcile is that the church is NOT God. The church saves nobody. God alone can save. So effective were you in the indoctrination of mind & soul. Many nights I have shuttered at the thought of even considering a withdrawel from the organization- for fear I would be "lost". I'm not leaving God, I'm leaving a controlling social club. This is a neccessary step in my growth as a person, but it has not come without the shedding of many tears.

You see, the majority of people in that church believe that anyone who is not a member of their particular denomination is in serious danger of condemnation. Especially if you were once a part of their whole scene and choose to leave. They have been in the big church business for so many decades, they cannot see how the church and it's message has become their God. So filled with a mission for winning people to their way of thinking, many have lost the ability to do much- if any practical good in people's lives and meet their daily needs. Even for a family of 6 of their own members.

There have been a few genuine souls who sent us money or a note of encouragement here & there after the firings- we have been & remain VERY grateful for that.

The Test...

"Thou shalt not put the Lord Thy God to the test." - Jesus Christ

Why not??

The Christ was being tempted by Satan according to the story. The devil quoted scripture saying, "Jump off this temple roof and Angels will bear You up, lest You dash Your foot against a stone." (It's written in the scripture, so it must be true.) Jesus responds with a one-liner quote, "Don't test God". Did Jesus say this because God is really that weak? Or because He knew that if He jumped off the temple, no angel would catch Him??

I've had my feet to the fire for a very long time now- years. I know what it's like to barely hang on to sanity because of the chaos, pain and loss in my life. I find it VERY disturbing, that God is allowed to test man to the utmost lengths of our endurance. But we are not supposed to test Him???????? He is the invisible one here! We humans are tangible, we know we exist because we can see, hear, feel and interact verbally with one another.

If I had a dollar for everyone who told me that my situation reminds them of Job, I'd be filthy rich by now. So let's look at the story of Job.

Job is a wealthy and honorable man with a large family and many servants & cattle are in his care. Job is just going along doing his thing the best way he knows how. Meanwhile, behind the scenes in Heaven, Satan goes to God and says, "Hey, You've been too good to this guy and he's only serving You because You spoil him. Let me strip him of everything and we'll see just how much he really loves you." Like a weak child who can't say no to a dare, God offers up his faithful friend Job as a crash-test dummy saying, "Okay Satan, have your way with him- do anything you want, just don't kill him."

God volunteers his good friend Job. Nobody said, "Job, would you be willing to undergo great loss in order to vindicate God from an accusation?" No, God just throws him at the mercy of Satan. Sorry, but that is just incredibly cruel!!!! I wouldn't do that to the worst of my enemies.

We follow the story and Job loses all his servants, beloved children, all his cattle, his health and ends up sitting on a pile of ashes, in extreme physical pain, overwhelmed with grief, living in a daze with a broken heart. His wife is despondant. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN DEATH!! We don't know how long Job was left to exist in this awful state, but his situation was SO terrible that when friends came to see the situation for themselves, they sat stunned & speechless for days. However, as all believers seem to do, when they were able to speak, they did to Job what so many did to me & my family- they started accusations. "Well, Job, maybe you didn't really pay a faithful tithe?" "Well, Job, maybe you should fess up about your "secret sins"." "Well, Job, maybe God has abandoned you." (partly true)

I don't find anywhere in the story where it says that God was with Job in all of this suffering- which means He did not keep His promise to "never leave or forsake". So for all practical purposes, Job was left to stand on his own. Then, in the midst of horrible misery, Job dares to question God and God gets all indignant with him saying, "Who are YOU to question Me? I am God and you are just a man."

Sorry, but I no longer find inspiration from the story of Job, folks- stop comparing me to him!

Christians are quick to point out that in the end, after Job had withstood the terrible test, God gave him everything and more. That is supposed to erase the fact that Job lost his first batch of kids? In the Seventh-day Adventist tradition, I was taught that the first batch of children Job had were spoiled & rebellious and that's why God allowed them to die. (Scripture doesn't say that, their prophet EGW does.) Job is someone who's name is so lightly mentioned in Sabbath School discussions- everyone's an expert you know. Only those who have had a Job experience can speak his name with reverence for the Hell-on-earth he went through.

My point? God is almighty, all-knowing & untouchable- He should be able to handle testing much moreso than weak humans- yet testing or questioning Him is forbidden. But, WE are the ones put to the test every day and for what?? To PROVE His character??????

Sorry, but this makes no sense to me!

Christians, do not hate me for questioning my beliefs. It is YOUR inconsistent ethics that sparked this in me and drove me to it. You talk about grace, but I find you can be the most ungracious. You talk about faith, but often fail to believe in each other. You talk about forgiveness, but I have found many grudge-holders. Talk about charity, but your giving is just going through the motions- it's a ritual for you. You talk about truth, but you have missed the greatest of all truths and that is love- genuine love- not just the kind you put on for appearance sake and pats on the back. You talk about Christ, but so few of you are like Him. This is what I have against you.