Wrestling...

I am like Jacob, wrestling with God. Oh, I may have arm-wrestled a little over a few concepts in the past. Now, I am in a full-out, sweat-covered, down-n-dirty match. Stakes are high. The most interesting thing to me? In the ancient story, when Jacob wrestled with the angel, God could have struck him dead for doing so. I mean, aren't we supposed to just go with the flow of whatever we are told? Instead, God stooped to wrestle in the dirt with the young, distraught boy all night. This shows me God is incredibly patient and FAR more understanding than most people in the church.

Religion has been so complicated by 'Big church', it can drive a person to madness. I WANT to know truth, I WANT to live a quality life. In the process of trying to sort things out, you can literally stand on the edge of your sanity for a time. So, I've had to back off, relax, cry and breathe a little.

I have openly examined the path of belief in nothing but myself and those around me, however I cannot bring myself to say there is no God. I believe He exists, but has been poorly defined/explained by a majority of "believers". The biggest reason I still believe in Divinity is two-fold. 1) Nature 2) Music.

Sorry, but I just can't buy that all this just happened out of some big coincidence. The turning of the leaves in Fall, the rebirth of Spring, the way things are between a man and woman. The migration of birds is a miracle.

Humans are amazing machines! Not only are we functional, we have the ability to capture emotion and memory with a paint-brush on canvas, a poem or song. The way music is born is such an abstract process- it is purely magical and must be a gift from a Creator who cares. When religion stifles self-expression, it goes against the grand design. We are meant to have dreams, thoughts, feelings, convictions and be able to express them.

I know what I was taught to believe- for much of my life I embraced it. Then everything came crashing down. I have now stepped away from it all- literally starting at ground zero. If God, is God, He is big enough to show me who He is. I do not need a priest, pastor or self-appointed mentor to guide me. I am fully capable of listening with my heart for the still, small voice of God- if it's there. If God is out there, and I think He is, I will settle for nothing less than a free and intimate experience.